new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第87部分

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touch　his　eyes。　〃If　there　was　
only　some　way　to　make　you　see　that　I　can't　leave　you；〃　he　whispered。　〃Time；　I　
suppose；　will　be　the　way　
to　convince　you。〃　
I　liked　the　idea　of　time。　〃Okay；〃　I　agreed。　
His　face　was　still　tormented。　I　tried　to　distract　him　with　inconsequentials。　
〃So—since　you're　staying。　Can　I　have　my　stuff　back？〃　I　asked；　making　my　tone　
as　light　as　I　could　
manage。　
My　attempt　worked；　to　an　extent：　he　laughed。　But　his　eyes　retained　the　misery。　
〃Your　things　were　never　
gone；〃　he　told　me。　〃I　knew　it　was　wrong；　since　I　promised　you　peace　without　
reminders。　It　was　stupid　
and　childish；　but　I　wanted　to　leave　something　of　myself　with　you。　The　CD；　the　
pictures；　the　
tickets—they're　all　under　your　floorboards。〃　
〃Really？〃　
He　nodded；　seeming　slightly　cheered　by　my　obvious　pleasure　in　this　trivial　
fact。　It　wasn't　enough　to　heal　
the　pain　in　his　face　pletely。　
〃I　think；〃　I　said　slowly；　〃I'm　not　sure；　but　I　wonder　I　think　maybe　I　knew　
it　the　whole　time。〃　
〃What　did　you　know？〃　
I　only　wanted　to　take　away　the　agony　in　his　eyes；　but　as　I　spoke　the　words；　
they　sounded　truer　than　I　
expected　they　would。　
〃Some　part　of　me；　my　subconscious　maybe；　never　stopped　believing　that　you　
still　cared　whether　I　lived　
or　died。　That's　probably　why　I　was　hearing　the　voices。〃　
There　was　a　very　deep　silence　for　a　moment。　〃Voices？〃　he　asked　flatly。　
〃Well；　just　one　voice。　Yours。　It's　a　long　story。〃　The　wary　look　on　his　face　
made　me　wish　that　I　hadn't　
brought　that　up。　Would　he　think　I　was　crazy；　like　everyone　else？　Was　everyone　
else　right　about　that？　But　
at　least　that　expression—the　one　that　made　him　look　like　something　was　
burning　him—faded。　
〃I've　got　time。〃　His　voice　was　unnaturally　even。　
〃It's　pretty　pathetic。〃　
He　waited。　
I　wasn't　sure　how　to　explain。　〃Do　you　remember　what　Alice　said　about　extreme　
sports？〃　
He　spoke　the　words　without　inflection　or　emphasis。　〃You　jumped　off　a　cliff　for　
fun。〃　
〃Er；　right。　And　before　that；　with　the　motorcycle—〃　
〃Motorcycle？〃　he　asked。　I　knew　his　voice　well　enough　to　hear　something　brewing　
behind　the　calm。　
〃I　guess　I　didn't　tell　Alice　about　that　part。〃　
〃No。〃　
〃Well；　about　that　See；　I　found　that　when　I　was　doing　something　dangerous　
or　stupid　I　could　
remember　you　more　clearly；〃　I　confessed；　feeling　pletely　mental。　〃I　could　
remember　how　your　voice　
sounded　when　you　were　angry。　I　could　hear　it；　like　you　were　standing　right　
there　next　to　me。　Mostly　I　
tried　not　to　think　about　you；　but　this　didn't　hurt　so　much—it　was　like　you　
were　protecting　me　again。　Like　
you　didn't　want　me　to　be　hurt。　
〃And；　well；　I　wonder　if　the　reason　I　could　hear　you　so　clearly　was　because；　
underneath　it　all。　I　always　
knew　that　you　hadn't　stopped　loving　me。〃　
Again；　as　I　spoke；　the　words　brought　with　them　a　sense　of　conviction。　Of　
rightness。　Some　deep　place　
inside　me　recognized　truth。　
His　words　came　out　half…strangled。　〃You　were　risking　your　life　to　hear—
〃　
〃Shh；〃　I　interrupted　him。　〃Hold　on　a　second。　I　think　I'm　having　an　epiphany　
here。〃　
I　thought　of　that　night　in　Port　Angeles　when　I'd　had　my　first　delusion。　I'd　
e　up　with　two　options。　
Insanity　or　wish　fulfillment。　I'd　seen　no　third　option。　
But　what　if　
What　if　you　sincerely　believed　something　was　true；　but　you　were　dead　wrong？　
What　if　you　were　so　
stubbornly　sure　that　you　were　right；　that　you　wouldn't　even　consider　the　
truth？　Would　the　truth　be　
silenced；　or　would　it　try　to　break　through？　
Option　three：　Edward　loved　me。　The　bond　forged　between　us　was　not　one　that　
could　be　broken　by　
absence；　distance；　or　time。　And　no　matter　how　much　more　special　or　beautiful　
or　brilliant　or　perfect　than　
me　he　might　be；　he　was　as　irreversibly　altered　as　I　was。　As　I　would　always　
belong　to　him；　so　would　he　
always　be　mine。　
Was　that　what　I'd　been　trying　to　tell　myself？　
〃Oh！〃　
〃Bella？〃　
〃Oh。　Okay。　I　see。〃　
〃Your　epiphany？〃　he　asked；　his　voice　uneven　and　strained。　
〃You　love　me；〃　I　marveled。　The　sense　of　conviction　and　Tightness　washed　
through　me　again。　
Though　his　eyes　were　still　anxious；　the　crooked　smile　I　loved　best　flashed　
across　his　face。　〃Truly；　I　do。〃　
My　heart　inflated　like　it　was　going　to　crack　right　through　my　ribs。　It　filled　
my　chest　and　blocked　my　throat　
so　that　I　could　not　speak。　
He　really　did　want　me　the　way　I　wanted　him—forever。　It　was　only　fear　for　my　
soul；　for　the　human　things　
he　didn't　want　to　take　from　me；　that　made　him　so　desperate　to　leave　me　mortal。　
pared　to　the　fear　
that　he　didn't　want　me；　this　hurdle—my　soul—seemed　almost　insignificant。　
He　took　my　face　tightly　between　his　cool　hands　and　kissed　me　until　I　was　so　
dizzy　the　forest　was　
spinning。　Then　he　leaned　his　forehead　against　mine；　and　I　was　not　the　only　one　
breathing　harder　than　
usual。　
〃You　were　better　at　it　than　I　was；　you　know；〃　he　told　me。　
〃Better　at　what？〃　
〃Surviving。　You；　at　least；　made　an　effort。　You　got　up　in　the　morning；　tried　to　
be　normal　for　Charlie；　
followed　the　pattern　of　your　life。　When　I　wasn't　actively　tracking；　I　was　
totally　useless。　I　couldn't　be　
around　my　family—I　couldn't　be　around　anyone。　I'm　embarrassed　to　admit　that　I　
more　or　less　curled　up　
into　a　ball　and　let　the　misery　have　me。〃　He　grinned；　sheepish。　〃It　was　much　
more　pathetic　than　hearing　
voices。　And；　of　course；　you　know　I　do　that；　too。〃　
I　was　deeply　relieved　that　he　really　seemed　to　understand—forted　that　this　
all　made　sense　to　him。　At　
any　rate；　he　wasn't　looking　at　me　like　I　was　crazy。　He　was　looking　at　me　like
　he　loved　me。　
〃I　only　heard　one　voice；〃　I　corrected　him。　
He　laughed　and　then　pulled　me　tight　against　his　right　side　and　started　to　lead　
me　forward。　
〃I'm　just　humoring　you　with　this。〃　He　motioned　broadly　with　his　hand　toward　
the　darkness　in　front　of　us　
as　we　walked。　There　was　something　pale　and　immense　there—the　house；　I　
realized。　〃It　doesn't　matter　in　
the　slightest　what　they　say。〃　
〃This　affects　them　now；　too。〃　
He　shrugged　indifferently。　
He　led　me　through　the　open　front　door　into　the　dark　house　and　flipped　the　
lights　on。　The　room　was　just　
as　I'd　remembered　it—the　piano　and　the　white　couches　and　the　pale；　massive　
staircase。　No　dust；　no　
white　sheets。　
Edward　called　out　the　names　with　no　more　volume　than　I'd　use　in　regular　
conversation。　〃Carlisle？　Esme？　
Rosalie？　Emmett？　Jasper？　Alice？〃　They　would　hear。　
Carlisle　was　suddenly　standing　beside　me；　as　if　he'd　been　there　all　along。　
〃Wele　back；　Bella。〃　He　
smiled。　〃What　can　we　do　for　you　this　morning？　I　imagine；　due　to　the　hour；　that　
this　is　not　a　purely　social　
visit？〃　
I　nodded。　〃I'd　like　to　talk　to　everyone　at　once；　if　that's　okay。　About　
something　important。〃　
I　couldn't　help　glancing　up　at　Edward's　face　as　I　spoke。　His　expression　was　
critical；　but　resigned。　When　I　
looked　back　to　Carlisle；　he　was　looking　at　Edward；　too。　
〃Of　course；〃　Carlisle　said。　〃Why　don't　we　talk　in　the　other　room？〃　
Carlisle　led　the　way　through　the　bright　living　room；　around　the　corner　to　the　
dining　room；　turning　on　lights　
as　he　went。　The　walls　were　white；　the　ceilings　high；　like　the　living　room。　In　
the　center　of　the　room；　under　
the　low…hanging　chandelier；　was　a　large；　polished　oval　table　surrounded　by　
eight　chairs。　Carlisle　held　out　
a　chair　for　me　at　the　head。　
I'd　never　seen　the　Cullens　use　the　dining　room　table　before—it　was　just　a　
prop。　They　didn't　eat　in　the　
house。　
As　soon　as　I　turned　to　sit　in　the　chair；　I　saw　that　we　were　not　alone。　Esme　
had　followed　Edward；　and　
behind　her　the　rest　of　the　family　filed　in。　
Carlisle　sat　down　on　my　right；　and　Edward　on　my　left。　Everyone　else　took　their　
seats　in　silence。　Alice　
was　grinning　at　me；　already　in　on　the　plot。　Emmett　and　Jasper　looked　curious；　
and　Rosalie　smiled　at　me　
tentatively。　My　answering　smile　was　just　as　timid。　That　was　going　to　take　some　
getting　used　to。　
Carlisle　nodded　toward　me。　〃The　floor　is　yours。〃　
I　swallowed。　Their　gazing　eyes　made　me　nervous。　Edward　took　my　hand　under　the　
table。　I　peeked　at　
him；　but　he　was　watching　the　others；　his　fate　suddenly　fierce。　
〃Well；〃　I　paused。　〃I'm　hoping　Alice　has　already　told　you　everything　that　
happened　in　Volterra？〃　
〃Everything；〃　Alice　assured　me。　
I　thre