new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第19部分

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〃No。　I'm　not　lost。〃　
Now　that　I　was　closer—and　my　eyes　felt　oddly　in　focus—I　analyzed　the　short；　
dark　man's　face。　It　was　
not　familiar　in　any　way。　I　suffered　a　curious　sensation　of　disappointment　that　
this　was　not　the　terrible　man　
who　had　tried　to　hurt　me　almost　a　year　ago。　
The　voice　in　my　head　was　quiet　now。　
The　short　man　noticed　my　stare。　〃Can　I　buy　you　a　drink？〃　he　offered；　nervous；　
seeming　flattered　that　I'd　
singled　him　out　to　stare　at。　
〃I'm　too　young；〃　I　answered　automatically。　
He　was　baffled—wondering　why　I　had　approached　them。　I　felt　pelled　to　
explain。　
〃From　across　the　street；　you　looked　like　someone　I　knew。　Sorry；　my　mistake。〃　
The　threat　that　had　pulled　me　across　the　street　had　evaporated。　These　were　not　
the　dangerous　men　I　
remembered。　They　were　probably　nice　guys。　Safe。　I　lost　interest。　
〃That's　okay；〃　the　confident　blonde　said。　〃Stay　and　hang　out　with　us。〃　
〃Thanks；　but　I　can't。〃　Jessica　was　hesitating　in　the　middle　of　the　street；　her　
eyes　wide　with　outrage　and　
betrayal。　
〃Oh；　just　a　few　minutes。〃　
I　shook　my　head；　and　turned　to　rejoin　Jessica。　
〃Let's　go　eat；〃　I　suggested；　barely　glancing　at　her。　Though　I　appeared　to　be；　
for　the　moment；　freed　of　the　
zombie　abstraction；　I　was　just　as　distant。　My　mind　was　preoccupied。　The　safe；　
numb　deadness　did　not　
e　back；　and　I　got　more　anxious　with　every　minute　that　passed　without　its　
return。　
〃What　were　you　thinking？〃　Jessica　snapped。　〃You　don't　know　them—they　could　
have　been　
psychopaths！〃　
I　shrugged；　wishing　she　would　let　it　go。　〃I　just　thought　I　knew　the　one　guy。〃　
〃You　are　so　odd；　Bella　Swan。　I　feel　like　I　don't　know　who　you　are。〃　
〃Sorry。〃　I　didn't　know　what　else　to　say　to　that。　
We　walked　to　McDonald's　in　silence。　I'd　bet　that　she　was　wishing　we'd　taken　
her　car　instead　of　walking　
the　short　distance　from　the　theater；　so　that　she　could　use　the　drive…through。　
She　was　just　as　anxious　now　
for　this　evening　to　be　over　as　I　had　been　from　the　beginning。　
I　tried　to　start　a　conversation　a　few　times　while　we　ate；　but　Jessica　was　not　
cooperative。　I　must　have　
really　offended　her。　
When　we　go　back　in　the　car；　she　tuned　the　stereo　back　to　her　favorite　station　
and　turned　the　volume　too　
loud　to　allow　easy　conversation。　
I　didn't　have　to　struggle　as　hard　as　usual　to　ignore　the　music。　Even　though　my　
mind；　for　once；　was　not　
carefully　numb　and　empty；　I　had　too　much　to　think　about　to　hear　the　lyrics。　
I　waited　for　the　numbness　to　return；　or　the　pain。　Because　the　pain　must　be　
ing。　I'd　broken　my　
personal　rules。　Instead　of　shying　away　from　the　memories；　I'd　walked　forward　
and　greeted　them。　I'd　
heard　his　voice；　so　clearly；　in　my　head。　That　was　going　to　cost　me；　I　was　sure　
of　it。　Especially　if　I　couldn't　
reclaim　the　haze　to　protect　myself。　I　felt　too　alert；　and　that　frightened　me。　
But　relief　was　still　the　strongest　emotion　in　my　body—relief　that　came　from　
the　very　core　of　my　being。　
As　much　as　I　struggled　not　to　think　of　him；　I　did　not　struggle　to　forget。　I　
worried—late　in　the　night；　when　
the　exhaustion　of　sleep　deprivation　broke　down　my　defenses—that　it　was　all　
slipping　away。　That　my　
mind　was　a　sieve；　and　I　would　someday　not　be　able　to　remember　the　precise　
color　of　his　eyes；　the　feel　of　
his　cool　skin；　or　the　texture　of　his　voice。　I　could　not　think　of　them；　but　I　
must　remember　them。　
Because　there　was　just　one　thing　that　I　had　to　believe　to　be　able　to　live—I　
had　to　know　that　he　existed。　
That　was　all。　Everything　else　I　could　endure。　So　long　as　he　existed。　
That's　why　I　was　more　trapped　in　Forks　than　I　ever　had　been　before；　why　I'd　
fought　with　Charlie　when　
he　suggested　a　change。　Honestly；　it　shouldn't　matter；　no　one　was　ever　ing　
back　here。　
But　if　I　were　to　go　to　Jacksonville；　or　anywhere　else　bright　and　unfamiliar；　
how　could　I　be　sure　he　was　
real？　In　a　place　where　I　could　never　imagine　him；　the　conviction　might　fade　
and　that　I　could　not　live　
through。　
Forbidden　to　remember；　terrified　to　forget；　it　was　a　hard　line　to　walk。　
I　was　surprised　when　Jessica　stopped　the　car　in　front　of　my　house。　The　ride　
had　not　taken　long；　but；　
short　as　it　seemed；　I　wouldn't　have　thought　that　Jessica　could　go　that　long　
without　speaking。　
〃Thanks　for　going　out　with　me；　Jess；〃　I　said　as　I　opened　my　door。　〃That　was
fun。〃　I　hoped　that　fun　was　
the　appropriate　word。　
〃Sure；〃　she　muttered。　
〃I'm　sorry　about　after　the　movie。〃　
〃Whatever；　Bella。〃　She　glared　out　the　windshield　instead　of　looking　at　me。　She　
seemed　to　be　growing　
angrier　rather　than　getting　over　it。　
〃See　you　Monday？〃　
〃Yeah。　Bye。〃　
I　gave　up　and　shut　the　door。　She　drove　away；　still　without　looking　at　me。　
I'd　forgotten　her　by　the　time　I　was　inside。　
Charlie　was　waiting　for　me　in　the　middle　of　the　hall；　his　arms　folded　tight　
over　his　chest　with　his　hands　
balled　into　fists。　
〃Hey；　Dad；〃　I　said　absentmindedly　as　I　ducked　around　Charlie；　heading　for　the　
stairs。　I'd　been　thinking　
about　him　for　too　long；　and　I　wanted　to　be　upstairs　before　it　caught　up　with　
me。　
〃Where　have　you　been？〃　Charlie　demanded。　
I　looked　at　my　dad；　surprised。　〃I　went　to　a　movie　in　Port　Angeles　with　
Jessica。　Like　I　told　you　this　
morning。〃　
〃Humph；〃　he　grunted。　
〃Is　that　okay？〃　
He　studied　my　face；　his　eyes　widening　as　if　he　saw　something　unexpected。　
〃Yeah；　that's　fine。　Did　you　
havefun？〃　
〃Sure；〃　I　said。　〃We　watched　zombies　eat　people。　It　was　great。〃　
His　eyes　narrowed。　
〃'Night；　Dad。〃　
He　let　me　pass。　I　hurried　to　my　room。　
I　lay　in　my　bed　a　few　minutes　later；　resigned　as　the　pain　finally　made　its　
appearance。　
It　was　a　crippling　thing；　this　sensation　that　a　huge　hole　had　been　punched　
through　my　chest；　excising　my　
most　vital　organs　and　leaving　ragged；　unhealed　gashes　around　the　edges　that　
continued　to　throb　and　
bleed　despite　the　passage　of　time。　Rationally；　I　knew　my　lungs　must　still　be　
intact；　yet　I　gasped　for　air　and　
my　head　spun　like　my　efforts　yielded　me　nothing。　My　heart　must　have　been　
beating；　too；　but　I　couldn't　
hear　the　sound　of　my　pulse　in　my　ears；　my　hands　felt　blue　with　cold。　I　curled　
inward；　hugging　my　ribs　to　
hold　myself　together。　I　scrambled　for　my　numbness；　my　denial；　but　it　evaded　
me。　
And　yet；　I　found　I　could　survive。　I　was　alert；　I　felt　the　pain—the　aching　
loss　that　radiated　out　from　my　
chest；　sending　wracking　waves　of　hurt　through　my　limbs　and　head—but　it　was　
manageable。　I　could　live　
through　it。　It　didn't　feel　like　the　pain　had　weakened　over　time；　rather　that　
I'd　grown　strong　enough　to　bear　
it。　
Whatever　it　was　that　had　happened　tonight—and　whether　it　was　the　zombies；　the　
adrenaline；　or　the　
hallucinations　that　were　responsible—it　had　woken　me　up。　
For　the　first　time　in　a　long　time；　I　didn't　know　what　to　expect　in　the　
morning。　
　5。　CHEATER
〃BELLA；　WHY　DON'T　YOU　TAKE　OFF；〃　MIKE　SUGGESTED；　his　eyes　focused　off　to　the　
side；　not　
really　looking　at　me。　I　wondered　how　long　that　had　been　going　on　without　me　
noticing。　
It　was　a　slow　afternoon　at　Newton's。　At　the　moment　there　were　only　two　patrons　
in　the　store；　dedicated　
backpackers　from　the　sound　of　their　conversation。　Mike　had　spent　the　last　hour　
going　through　the　pros　
and　cons　of　two　brands　of　lightweight　packs　with　them。　But　they'd　taken　a　
break　from　serious　pricing　to　
indulge　in　trying　to　one…up　each　other　with　their　latest　tales　from　the　trail。　
Their　distraction　had　given　Mike　
a　chance　to　escape。　
〃I　don't　mind　staying；〃　I　said。　I　still　hadn't　been　able　to　sink　back　into　my　
protective　shell　of　numbness；　
and　everything　seemed　oddly　close　and　loud　today；　like　I'd　taken　cotton　out　of　
my　ears。　I　tried　to　tune　
out　the　laughing　hikers　without　success。　
〃I'm　telling　you；〃　said　the　thickset　man　with　the　orange　beard　that　didn't　
match　his　dark　brown　hair。　〃I've　
seen　grizzlies　pretty　close　up　in　Yellowstone；　but　they　had　nothing　on　this　
brute。〃　His　hair　was　matted；　
and　his　clothes　looked　like　they'd　been　on　his　back　for　more　than　a　few　days。　
Fresh　from　the　mountains。　
〃Not　a　chance。　Black　bears　don't　get　that　big。　The　grizzlies　you　saw　were　
probably　cubs。〃　The　second　
man　was　tall　and　lean；　his　face　tanned　and　wind…whipped　into　an　impressive　
leathery　crust。　
〃Serious