简爱(英文版)-第86部分

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　no　fear：　there　is　not　a　future　state　worse　than　this　present　one—let　me　break　away；　and　go　home　to　God！’
“I　said　this　whilst　I　knelt　down　at；　and　unlocked　a　trunk　which　contained　a　brace　of　loaded　pistols：　I　mean　to　shoot　myself。　I　only　entertained　the　intention　for　a　moment；　for；　not　being　insane；　the　crisis　of　exquisite　and　unalloyed　despair；　which　had　originated　the　wish　and　design　of　self…destruction；　was　past　in　a　second。
“A　wind　fresh　from　Europe　blew　over　the　ocean　and　rushed　through　the　open　casement：　the　storm　broke；　streamed；　thundered；　blazed；　and　the　air　grew　pure。　I　then　framed　and　fixed　a　resolution。　While　I　walked　under　the　dripping　orange…trees　of　my　wet　garden；　and　amongst　its　drenched　pomegranates　and　pine…apples；　and　while　the　refulgent　dawn　of　the　tropics　kindled　round　me—I　reasoned　thus；　Jane—and　now　listen；　for　it　was　true　Wisdom　that　consoled　me　in　that　hour；　and　showed　me　the　right　path　to　follow。
“The　sweet　wind　from　Europe　was　still　whispering　in　the　refreshed　leaves；　and　the　Atlantic　was　thundering　in　glorious　liberty；　my　heart；　dried　up　and　scorched　for　a　long　time；　swelled　to　the　tone；　and　filled　with　living　blood—my　being　longed　for　renewal—my　soul　thirsted　for　a　pure　draught。　I　saw　hope　revive—and　felt　regeneration　possible。　From　a　flowery　arch　at　the　bottom　of　my　garden　I　gazed　over　the　sea—bluer　than　the　sky：　the　old　world　was　beyond；　clear　prospects　opened　thus：—
“‘Go；’　said　Hope；　‘and　live　again　in　Europe：　there　it　is　not　known　what　a　sullied　name　you　bear；　nor　what　a　filthy　burden　is　bound　to　you。　You　may　take　the　maniac　with　you　to　England；　confine　her　with　due　attendance　and　precautions　at　Thornfield：　then　travel　yourself　to　what　clime　you　will；　and　form　what　new　tie　you　like。　That　woman；　who　has　so　abused　your　long…suffering；　so　sullied　your　name；　so　outraged　your　honour；　so　blighted　your　youth；　is　not　your　wife；　nor　are　you　her　husband。　See　that　she　is　cared　for　as　her　condition　demands；　and　you　have　done　all　that　God　and　humanity　require　of　you。　Let　her　identity；　her　connection　with　yourself；　be　buried　in　oblivion：　you　are　bound　to　impart　them　to　no　living　being。　Place　her　in　safety　and　fort：　shelter　her　degradation　with　secrecy；　and　leave　her。’
“I　acted　precisely　on　this　suggestion。　My　father　and　brother　had　not　made　my　marriage　known　to　their　acquaintance；　because；　in　the　very　first　letter　I　wrote　to　apprise　them　of　the　union—having　already　begun　to　experience　extreme　disgust　of　its　consequences；　and；　from　the　family　character　and　constitution；　seeing　a　hideous　future　opening　to　me—I　added　an　urgent　charge　to　keep　it　secret：　and　very　soon　the　infamous　conduct　of　the　wife　my　father　had　selected　for　me　was　such　as　to　make　him　blush　to　own　her　as　his　daughter…in…law。　Far　from　desiring　to　publish　the　connection；　he　became　as　anxious　to　conceal　it　as　myself。
“To　England；　then；　I　conveyed　her；　a　fearful　voyage　I　had　with　such　a　monster　in　the　vessel。　Glad　was　I　when　I　at　last　got　her　to　Thornfield；　and　saw　her　safely　lodged　in　that　third…storey　room；　of　whose　secret　inner　cabi　she　has　now　for　ten　years　made　a　wild　beast’s　den—a　goblin’s　cell。　I　had　some　trouble　in　finding　an　attendant　for　her；　as　it　was　necessary　to　select　one　on　whose　fidelity　dependence　could　be　placed；　for　her　ravings　would　inevitably　betray　my　secret：　besides；　she　had　lucid　intervals　of　days—sometimes　weeks—which　she　filled　up　with　abuse　of　me。　At　last　I　hired　Grace　Poole　from　the　Grimbsy　Retreat。　She　and　the　surgeon；　Carter　（who　dressed　Mason’s　wounds　that　night　he　was　stabbed　and　worried）；　are　the　only　two　I　have　ever　admitted　to　my　confidence。　Mrs。　Fairfax　may　indeed　have　suspected　something；　but　she　could　have　gained　no　precise　knowledge　as　to　facts。　Grace　has；　on　the　whole；　proved　a　good　keeper；　though；　owing　partly　to　a　fault　of　her　own；　of　which　it　appears　nothing　can　cure　her；　and　which　is　incident　to　her　harassing　profession；　her　vigilance　has　been　more　than　once　lulled　and　baffled。　The　lunatic　is　both　cunning　and　malignant；　she　has　never　failed　to　take　advantage　of　her　guardian’s　temporary　lapses；　once　to　secrete　the　knife　with　which　she　stabbed　her　brother；　and　twice　to　possess　herself　of　the　key　of　her　cell；　and　issue　therefrom　in　the　night…time。　On　the　first　of　these　occasions；　she　perpetrated　the　attempt　to　burn　me　in　my　bed；　on　the　second；　she　paid　that　ghastly　visit　to　you。　I　thank　Providence；　who　watched　over　you；　that　she　then　spent　her　fury　on　your　wedding　apparel；　which　perhaps　brought　back　vague　reminiscences　of　her　own　bridal　days：　but　on　what　might　have　happened；　I　cannot　endure　to　reflect。　When　I　think　of　the　thing　which　flew　at　my　throat　this　morning；　hanging　its　black　and　scarlet　visage　over　the　nest　of　my　dove；　my　blood　curdles
“And　what；　sir；”　I　asked；　while　he　paused；　“did　you　do　when　you　had　settled　her　here？　Where　did　you　go？”
“What　did　I　do；　Jane？　I　transformed　myself　into　a　will…o’…the…wisp。　Where　did　I　go？　I　pursued　wanderings　as　wild　as　those　of　the　March…　spirit。　I　sought　the　Continent；　and　went　devious　through　all　its　lands。　My　fixed　desire　was　to　seek　and　find　a　good　and　intelligent　woman；　whom　I　could　love：　a　contrast　to　the　fury　I　left　at　Thornfield—”
“But　you　could　not　marry；　sir。”
“I　had　determined　and　was　convinced　that　I　could　and　ought。　It　was　not　my　original　intention　to　deceive；　as　I　have　deceived　you。　I　meant　to　tell　my　tale　plainly；　and　make　my　proposals　openly：　and　it　appeared　to　me　so　absolutely　rational　that　I　should　be　considered　free　to　love　and　be　loved；　I　never　doubted　some　woman　might　be　found　willing　and　able　to　understand　my　case　and　accept　me；　in　spite　of　the　curse　with　which　I　was　burdened。”
“Well；　sir？”
“When　you　are　inquisitive；　Jane；　you　always　make　me　smile。　You　open　your　eyes　like　an　eager　bird；　and　make　every　now　and　then　a　restless　movement；　as　if　answers　in　speech　did　not　flow　fast　enough　for　you；　and　you　wanted　to　read　the　tablet　of　one’s　heart。　But　before　I　go　on；　tell　me　what　you　mean　by　your　‘Well；　sir？’　It　is　a　small　phrase　very　frequent　with　you；　and　which　many　a　time　has　drawn　me　on　and　on　through　interminable　talk：　I　don’t　very　well　know　why。”
“I　mean；—What　next？　How　did　you　proceed？　What　came　of　such　an　event？”
“Precisely！　and　what　do　you　wish　to　know　now？”
“Whether　you　found　any　one　you　liked：　whether　you　asked　her　to　marry　you；　and　what　she　said。”
“I　can　tell　you　whether　I　found　any　one　I　liked；　and　whether　I　asked　her　to　marry　me：　but　what　she　said　is　yet　to　be　recorded　in　the　book　of　Fate。　For　ten　long　years　I　roved　about；　living　first　in　one　capital；　then　another：　sometimes　in　St。　Petersburg；　oftener　in　Paris；　occasionally　in　Rome；　Naples；　and　Florence。　Provided　with　plenty　of　money　and　the　passport　of　an　old　name；　I　could　choose　my　own　society：　no　circles　were　closed　against　me。　I　sought　my　ideal　of　a　woman　amongst　English　ladies；　French　countesses；　Italian　signoras；　and　German　grafinnen。　I　could　not　find　her。　Sometimes；　for　a　fleeting　moment；　I　thought　I　caught　a　glance；　heard　a　tone；　beheld　a　form；　which　announced　the　realisation　of　my　dream：　but　I　was　presently　undeserved。　You　are　not　to　suppose　that　I　desired　perfection；　either　of　mind　or　person。　I　longed　only　for　what　suited　me—for　the　antipodes　of　the　Creole：　and　I　longed　vainly。　Amongst　them　all　I　found　not　one　whom；　had　I　been　ever　so　free；　I—warned　as　I　was　of　the　risks；　the　horrors；　the　loathings　of　incongruous　unions—would　have　asked　to　marry　me。　Disappointment　made　me　reckless。　I　tried　dissipation—never　debauchery：　that　I　hated；　and　hate。　That　was　my　Indian　Messalina’s　attribute：　rooted　disgust　at　it　and　her　restrained　me　much；　even　in　pleasure。　Any　enjoyment　that　bordered　on　riot　seemed　to　approach　me　to　her　and　her　vices；　and　I　eschewed　it。
“Yet　I　could　not　live　alone；　so　I　tried　the　panionship　of　mistresses。　The　first　I　chose　was　Céline　Varens—another　of　those　steps　which　make　a　man　spurn　himself　when　he　recalls　them。　You　already　know　what　she　was；　and　how　my　liaison　with　her　terminated。　She　had　two　successors：　an　Italian；　Giacinta；　and　a　German；　Clara；　both　considered　singularly　handsome。　What　was　their　beauty　to　me　in　a　few　weeks？　Giacinta　was　unprincipled　and　violent：　I　tired　of　her　in　three　month