简爱(英文版)-第83部分

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ht　was　dim；　and　my　limbs　were　feeble。　I　could　not　soon　recover　myself。　I　fell；　but　not　on　to　the　ground：　an　outstretched　arm　caught　me。　I　looked　up—I　was　supported　by　Mr。　Rochester；　who　sat　in　a　chair　across　my　chamber　threshold。
“You　e　out　at　last；”　he　said。　“Well；　I　have　been　waiting　for　you　long；　and　listening：　yet　not　one　movement　have　I　heard；　nor　one　sob：　five　minutes　more　of　that　death…like　hush；　and　I　should　have　forced　the　lock　like　a　burglar。　So　you　shun　me？—you　shut　yourself　up　and　grieve　alone！　I　would　rather　you　had　e　and　upbraided　me　with　vehemence。　You　are　passionate。　I　expected　a　scene　of　some　kind。　I　was　prepared　for　the　hot　rain　of　tears；　only　I　wanted　them　to　be　shed　on　my　breast：　now　a　senseless　floor　has　received　them；　or　your　drenched　handkerchief。　But　I　err：　you　have　not　wept　at　all！　I　see　a　white　cheek　and　a　faded　eye；　but　no　trace　of　tears。　I　suppose；　then；　your　heart　has　been　weeping　blood？”
“Well；　Jane！　not　a　word　of　reproach？　Nothing　bitter—nothing　poignant？　Nothing　to　cut　a　feeling　or　sting　a　passion？　You　sit　quietly　where　I　have　placed　you；　and　regard　me　with　a　weary；　passive　look。”
“Jane；　I　never　meant　to　wound　you　thus。　If　the　man　who　had　but　one　little　ewe　lamb　that　was　dear　to　him　as　a　daughter；　that　ate　of　his　bread　and　drank　of　his　cup；　and　lay　in　his　bosom；　had　by　some　mistake　slaughtered　it　at　the　shambles；　he　would　not　have　rued　his　bloody　blunder　more　than　I　now　rue　mine。　Will　you　ever　forgive　me？”
Reader；　I　forgave　him　at　the　moment　and　on　the　spot。　There　was　such　deep　remorse　in　his　eye；　such　true　pity　in　his　tone；　such　manly　energy　in　his　manner；　and　besides；　there　was　such　unchanged　love　in　his　whole　look　and　mien—I　forgave　him　all：　yet　not　in　words；　not　outwardly；　only　at　my　heart’s　core。
“You　know　I　am　a　scoundrel；　Jane？”　ere　long　he　inquired　wistfully—　wondering；　I　suppose；　at　my　continued　silence　and　tameness；　the　result　rather　of　weakness　than　of　will。
“Yes；　sir。”
“Then　tell　me　so　roundly　and　sharply—don’t　spare　me。”
“I　cannot：　I　am　tired　and　sick。　I　want　some　water。”　He　heaved　a　sort　of　shuddering　sigh；　and　taking　me　in　his　arms；　carried　me　downstairs。　At　first　I　did　not　know　to　what　room　he　had　borne　me；　all　was　cloudy　to　my　glazed　sight：　presently　I　felt　the　reviving　warmth　of　a　fire；　for；　summer　as　it　was；　I　had　bee　icy　cold　in　my　chamber。　He　put　wine　to　my　lips；　I　tasted　it　and　revived；　then　I　ate　something　he　offered　me；　and　was　soon　myself。　I　was　in　the　library—sitting　in　his　chair—he　was　quite　near。　“If　I　could　go　out　of　life　now；　without　too　sharp　a　pang；　it　would　be　well　for　me；”　I　thought；　“then　I　should　not　have　to　make　the　effort　of　cracking　my　heart…strings　in　rending　them　from　among　Mr。　Rochester’s。　I　must　leave　him；　it　appears。　I　do　not　want　to　leave　him—I　cannot　leave　him。”
“How　are　you　now；　Jane？”
“Much　better；　sir；　I　shall　be　well　soon。”
“Taste　the　wine　again；　Jane。”
I　obeyed　him；　then　he　put　the　glass　on　the　table；　stood　before　me；　and　looked　at　me　attentively。　Suddenly　he　turned　away；　with　an　inarticulate　exclamation；　full　of　passionate　emotion　of　some　kind；　he　walked　fast　through　the　room　and　came　back；　he　stooped　towards　me　as　if　to　kiss　me；　but　I　remembered　caresses　were　now　forbidden。　I　turned　my　face　away　and　put　his　aside。
“What！—How　is　this？”　he　exclaimed　hastily。　“Oh；　I　know！　you　won’t　kiss　the　husband　of　Bertha　Mason？　You　consider　my　arms　filled　and　my　embraces　appropriated？”
“At　any　rate；　there　is　neither　room　nor　claim　for　me；　sir。”
“Why；　Jane？　I　will　spare　you　the　trouble　of　much　talking；　I　will　answer　for　you—Because　I　have　a　wife　already；　you　would　reply。—I　guess　rightly？”
“Yes。”
“If　you　think　so；　you　must　have　a　strange　opinion　of　me；　you　must　regard　me　as　a　plotting　profligate—a　base　and　low　rake　who　has　been　simulating　disinterested　love　in　order　to　draw　you　into　a　snare　deliberately　laid；　and　strip　you　of　honour　and　rob　you　of　self…　respect。　What　do　you　say　to　that？　I　see　you　can　say　nothing　in　the　first　place；　you　are　faint　still；　and　have　enough　to　do　to　draw　your　breath；　in　the　second　place；　you　cannot　yet　accustom　yourself　to　accuse　and　revile　me；　and　besides；　the　flood…gates　of　tears　are　opened；　and　they　would　rush　out　if　you　spoke　much；　and　you　have　no　desire　to　expostulate；　to　upbraid；　to　make　a　scene：　you　are　thinking　how　to　act—talking　you　consider　is　of　no　use。　I　know　you—I　am　on　my　guard。”
“Sir；　I　do　not　wish　to　act　against　you；”　I　said；　and　my　unsteady　voice　warned　me　to　curtail　my　sentence。
“Not　in　your　sense　of　the　word；　but　in　mine　you　are　scheming　to　destroy　me。　You　have　as　good　as　said　that　I　am　a　married　man—as　a　married　man　you　will　shun　me；　keep　out　of　my　way：　just　now　you　have　refused　to　kiss　me。　You　intend　to　make　yourself　a　plete　stranger　to　me：　to　live　under　this　roof　only　as　Adèle’s　governess；　if　ever　I　say　a　friendly　word　to　you；　if　ever　a　friendly　feeling　inclines　you　again　to　me；　you　will　say；—‘That　man　had　nearly　made　me　his　mistress：　I　must　be　ice　and　rock　to　him；’　and　ice　and　rock　you　will　accordingly　bee。”
I　cleared　and　steadied　my　voice　to　reply：　“All　is　changed　about　me；　sir；　I　must　change　too—there　is　no　doubt　of　that；　and　to　avoid　fluctuations　of　feeling；　and　continual　bats　with　recollections　and　associations；　there　is　only　one　way—Adèle　must　have　a　new　governess；　sir。”
“Oh；　Adèle　will　go　to　school—I　have　settled　that　already；　nor　do　I　mean　to　torment　you　with　the　hideous　associations　and　recollections　of　Thornfield　Hall—this　accursed　place—this　tent　of　Achan—this　insolent　vault；　offering　the　ghastliness　of　living　death　to　the　light　of　the　open　sky—this　narrow　stone　hell；　with　its　one　real　fiend；　worse　than　a　legion　of　such　as　we　imagine。　Jane；　you　shall　not　stay　here；　nor　will　I。　I　was　wrong　ever　to　bring　you　to　Thornfield　Hall；　knowing　as　I　did　how　it　was　haunted。　I　charged　them　to　conceal　from　you；　before　I　ever　saw　you；　all　knowledge　of　the　curse　of　the　place；　merely　because　I　feared　Adèle　never　would　have　a　governess　to　stay　if　she　knew　with　what　inmate　she　was　housed；　and　my　plans　would　not　permit　me　to　remove　the　maniac　elsewhere—though　I　possess　an　old　house；　Ferndean　Manor；　even　more　retired　and　hidden　than　this；　where　I　could　have　lodged　her　safely　enough；　had　not　a　scruple　about　the　unhealthiness　of　the　situation；　in　the　heart　of　a　wood；　made　my　conscience　recoil　from　the　arrangement。　Probably　those　damp　walls　would　soon　have　eased　me　of　her　charge：　but　to　each　villain　his　own　vice；　and　mine　is　not　a　tendency　to　indirect　assassination；　even　of　what　I　most　hate。
“Concealing　the　mad…woman’s　neighbourhood　from　you；　however；　was　something　like　covering　a　child　with　a　cloak　and　laying　it　down　near　a　upas…tree：　that　demon’s　vicinage　is　poisoned；　and　always　was。　But　I’ll　shut　up　Thornfield　Hall：　I’ll　nail　up　the　front　door　and　board　the　lower　windows：　I’ll　give　Mrs。　Poole　two　hundred　a　year　to　live　here　with　my　wife；　as　you　term　that　fearful　hag：　Grace　will　do　much　for　money；　and　she　shall　have　her　son；　the　keeper　at　Grimsby　Retreat；　to　bear　her　pany　and　be　at　hand　to　give　her　aid　in　the　paroxysms；　when　my　wife　is　prompted　by　her　familiar　to　burn　people　in　their　beds　at　night；　to　stab　them；　to　bite　their　flesh　from　their　bones；　and　so　on—”
“Sir；”　I　interrupted　him；　“you　are　inexorable　for　that　unfortunate　lady：　you　speak　of　her　with　hate—with　vindictive　antipathy。　It　is　cruel—she　cannot　help　being　mad。”
“Jane；　my　little　darling　（so　I　will　call　you；　for　so　you　are）；　you　don’t　know　what　you　are　talking　about；　you　misjudge　me　again：　it　is　not　because　she　is　mad　I　hate　her。　If　you　were　mad；　do　you　think　I　should　hate　you？”
“I　do　indeed；　sir。”
“Then　you　are　mistaken；　and　you　know　nothing　about　me；　and　nothing　about　the　sort　of　love　of　which　I　am　capable。　Every　atom　of　your　flesh　is　as　dear　to　me　as　my　own：　in　pain　and　sickness　it　would　still　be　dear。　Your　mind　is　my　treasure；　and　if　it　were　broken；　it　would　be　my　treasure　still：　if　you　raved；　my　arms　should　confine　you；　and　not　a　strait　waistcoat—your　grasp；　even　in　fury；　would　have　a　charm　for　me：　if　you　flew　at　me　as　wildly　as　that　woman　did　this　morning；　I　should　receive　you　in　an　embrace；　at　least　as　fond　as　it　would　be　restrictive。　I