简爱(英文版)-第4部分

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r　moving　where　all　else　was　still；　had　the　effect　of　a　real　spirit：　I　thought　it　like　one　of　the　tiny　phantoms；　half　fairy；　half　imp；　Bessie’s　evening　stories　represented　as　ing　out　of　lone；　ferny　dells　in　moors；　and　appearing　before　the　eyes　of　belated　travellers。　I　returned　to　my　stool。
Superstition　was　with　me　at　that　moment；　but　it　was　not　yet　her　hour　for　plete　victory：　my　blood　was　still　warm；　the　mood　of　the　revolted　slave　was　still　bracing　me　with　its　bitter　vigour；　I　had　to　stem　a　rapid　rush　of　retrospective　thought　before　I　quailed　to　the　dismal　present。
All　John　Reed’s　violent　tyrannies；　all　his　sisters’　proud　indifference；　all　his　mother’s　aversion；　all　the　servants’　partiality；　turned　up　in　my　disturbed　mind　like　a　dark　deposit　in　a　turbid　well。　Why　was　I　always　suffering；　always　browbeaten；　always　accused；　for　ever　condemned？　Why　could　I　never　please？　Why　was　it　useless　to　try　to　win　any　one’s　favour？　Eliza；　who　was　headstrong　and　selfish；　was　respected。　Georgiana；　who　had　a　spoiled　temper；　a　very　acrid　spite；　a　captious　and　insolent　carriage；　was　universally　indulged。　Her　beauty；　her　pink　cheeks　and　golden　curls；　seemed　to　give　delight　to　all　who　looked　at　her；　and　to　purchase　indemnity　for　every　fault。　John　no　one　thwarted；　much　less　punished；　though　he　twisted　the　necks　of　the　pigeons；　killed　the　little　pea…chicks；　set　the　dogs　at　the　sheep；　stripped　the　hothouse　vines　of　their　fruit；　and　broke　the　buds　off　the　choicest　plants　in　the　conservatory：　he　called　his　mother　“old　girl；”　too；　sometimes　reviled　her　for　her　dark　skin；　similar　to　his　own；　bluntly　disregarded　her　wishes；　not　unfrequently　tore　and　spoiled　her　silk　attire；　and　he　was　still　“her　own　darling。”　I　dared　mit　no　fault：　I　strove　to　fulfil　every　duty；　and　I　was　termed　naughty　and　tiresome；　sullen　and　sneaking；　from　morning　to　noon；　and　from　noon　to　night。
My　head　still　ached　and　bled　with　the　blow　and　fall　I　had　received：　no　one　had　reproved　John　for　wantonly　striking　me；　and　because　I　had　turned　against　him　to　avert　farther　irrational　violence；　I　was　loaded　with　general　opprobrium。
“Unjust！—unjust！”　said　my　reason；　forced　by　the　agonising　stimulus　into　precocious　though　transitory　power：　and　Resolve；　equally　wrought　up；　instigated　some　strange　expedient　to　achieve　escape　from　insupportable　oppression—as　running　away；　or；　if　that　could　not　be　effected；　never　eating　or　drinking　more；　and　letting　myself　die。
What　a　consternation　of　soul　was　mine　that　dreary　afternoon！　How　all　my　brain　was　in　tumult；　and　all　my　heart　in　insurrection！　Yet　in　what　darkness；　what　dense　ignorance；　was　the　mental　battle　fought！　I　could　not　answer　the　ceaseless　inward　question—why　I　thus　suffered；　now；　at　the　distance　of—I　will　not　say　how　many　years；　I　see　it　clearly。
I　was　a　discord　in　Gateshead　Hall：　I　was　like　nobody　there；　I　had　nothing　in　harmony　with　Mrs。　Reed　or　her　children；　or　her　chosen　vassalage。　If　they　did　not　love　me；　in　fact；　as　little　did　I　love　them。　They　were　not　bound　to　regard　with　affection　a　thing　that　could　not　sympathise　with　one　amongst　them；　a　heterogeneous　thing；　opposed　to　them　in　temperament；　in　capacity；　in　propensities；　a　useless　thing；　incapable　of　serving　their　interest；　or　adding　to　their　pleasure；　a　noxious　thing；　cherishing　the　germs　of　indignation　at　their　treatment；　of　contempt　of　their　judgment。　I　know　that　had　I　been　a　sanguine；　brilliant；　careless；　exacting；　handsome；　romping　child—though　equally　dependent　and　friendless—Mrs。　Reed　would　have　endured　my　presence　more　placently；　her　children　would　have　entertained　for　me　more　of　the　cordiality　of　fellow…feeling；　the　servants　would　have　been　less　prone　to　make　me　the　scapegoat　of　the　nursery。
Daylight　began　to　forsake　the　red…room；　it　was　past　four　o’clock；　and　the　beclouded　afternoon　was　tending　to　drear　twilight。　I　heard　the　rain　still　beating　continuously　on　the　staircase　window；　and　the　wind　howling　in　the　grove　behind　the　hall；　I　grew　by　degrees　cold　as　a　stone；　and　then　my　courage　sank。　My　habitual　mood　of　humiliation；　self…doubt；　forlorn　depression；　fell　damp　on　the　embers　of　my　decaying　ire。　All　said　I　was　wicked；　and　perhaps　I　might　be　so；　what　thought　had　I　been　but　just　conceiving　of　starving　myself　to　death？　That　certainly　was　a　crime：　and　was　I　fit　to　die？　Or　was　the　vault　under　the　chancel　of　Gateshead　Church　an　inviting　bourne？　In　such　vault　I　had　been　told　did　Mr。　Reed　lie　buried；　and　led　by　this　thought　to　recall　his　idea；　I　dwelt　on　it　with　gathering　dread。　I　could　not　remember　him；　but　I　knew　that　he　was　my　own　uncle—my　mother’s　brother—that　he　had　taken　me　when　a　parentless　infant　to　his　house；　and　that　in　his　last　moments　he　had　required　a　promise　of　Mrs。　Reed　that　she　would　rear　and　maintain　me　as　one　of　her　own　children。　Mrs。　Reed　probably　considered　she　had　kept　this　promise；　and　so　she　had；　I　dare　say；　as　well　as　her　nature　would　permit　her；　but　how　could　she　really　like　an　interloper　not　of　her　race；　and　unconnected　with　her；　after　her　husband’s　death；　by　any　tie？　It　must　have　been　most　irksome　to　find　herself　bound　by　a　hard…wrung　pledge　to　stand　in　the　stead　of　a　parent　to　a　strange　child　she　could　not　love；　and　to　see　an　uncongenial　alien　permanently　intruded　on　her　own　family　group。
A　singular　notion　dawned　upon　me。　I　doubted　not—never　doubted—　that　if　Mr。　Reed　had　been　alive　he　would　have　treated　me　kindly；　and　now；　as　I　sat　looking　at　the　white　bed　and　overshadowed　walls—　occasionally　also　turning　a　fascinated　eye　towards　the　dimly　gleaning　mirror—I　began　to　recall　what　I　had　heard　of　dead　men；　troubled　in　their　graves　by　the　violation　of　their　last　wishes；　revisiting　the　earth　to　punish　the　perjured　and　avenge　the　oppressed；　and　I　thought　Mr。　Reed’s　spirit；　harassed　by　the　wrongs　of　his　sister’s　child；　might　quit　its　abode—whether　in　the　church　vault　or　in　the　unknown　world　of　the　departed—and　rise　before　me　in　this　chamber。　I　wiped　my　tears　and　hushed　my　sobs；　fearful　lest　any　sign　of　violent　grief　might　waken　a　preternatural　voice　to　fort　me；　or　elicit　from　the　gloom　some　haloed　face；　bending　over　me　with　strange　pity。　This　idea；　consolatory　in　theory；　I　felt　would　be　terrible　if　realised：　with　all　my　might　I　endeavoured　to　stifle　it—I　endeavoured　to　be　firm。　Shaking　my　hair　from　my　eyes；　I　lifted　my　head　and　tried　to　look　boldly　round　the　dark　room；　at　this　moment　a　light　gleamed　on　the　wall。　Was　it；　I　asked　myself；　a　ray　from　the　moon　perating　some　aperture　in　the　blind？　No；　moonlight　was　still；　and　this　stirred；　while　I　gazed；　it　glided　up　to　the　ceiling　and　quivered　over　my　head。　I　can　now　conjecture　readily　that　this　streak　of　light　was；　in　all　likelihood；　a　gleam　from　a　lantern　carried　by　some　one　across　the　lawn：　but　then；　prepared　as　my　mind　was　for　horror；　shaken　as　my　nerves　were　by　agitation；　I　thought　the　swift　darting　beam　was　a　herald　of　some　ing　vision　from　another　world。　My　heart　beat　thick；　my　head　grew　hot；　a　sound　filled　my　ears；　which　I　deemed　the　rushing　of　wings；　something　seemed　near　me；　I　was　oppressed；　suffocated：　endurance　broke　down；　I　rushed　to　the　door　and　shook　the　lock　in　desperate　effort。　Steps　came　running　along　the　outer　passage；　the　key　turned；　Bessie　and　Abbot　entered。
“Miss　Eyre；　are　you　ill？”　said　Bessie。
“What　a　dreadful　noise！　it　e！”　exclaimed　Abbot。
“Take　me　out！　Let　me　go　into　the　nursery！”　was　my　cry。
“What　for？　Are　you　hurt？　Have　you　seen　something？”　again　demanded　Bessie。
“Oh！　I　saw　a　light；　and　I　thought　a　ghost　would　e。”　I　had　now　got　hold　of　Bessie’s　hand；　and　she　did　not　snatch　it　from　me。
“She　has　screamed　out　on　purpose；”　declared　Abbot；　in　some　disgust。　“And　what　a　scream！　If　she　had　been　in　great　pain　one　would　have　excused　it；　but　she　only　wanted　to　bring　us　all　here：　I　know　her　naughty　tricks。”
“What　is　all　this？”　demanded　another　voice　peremptorily；　and　Mrs。　Reed　came　along　the　corridor；　her　cap　flying　wide；　her　gown　rustling　stormily。　“Abbot　and　Bessie；　I　believe　I　gave　orders　that　Jane　Eyre　should　be　left　in　the　red…room　till　I　came　to　her　myself。”
“Miss　Jane　screamed　so　loud；　ma’am；”　pleaded　Bessie。
“Let　her　go；”　was　the　only　answer。　“Loose　Bessie’s　hand；　child：　you　cannot　succeed　in　getting　out　by　these　means；　be　assured。　I　ab