little dorrit-信丽(英文版)-第189部分

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influence。'

I　smiled；　thinking　of　the　experience　the　word　awakened；　and　said；　'I
have　an　unhappy　temper；　I　suppose。'　'I　did　not　say　that。'

'It　is　an　easy　way　of　accounting　for　anything；'　said　I。

'It　may　be；　but　I　did　not　say　so。　What　I　wish　to　approach　is　something
very　different。　My　husband　and　I　have　exchanged　some　remarks　upon　the
subject；　when　we　have　observed　with　pain　that　you　have　not　been　easy
with　us。'

'Easy？　Oh！　You　are　such　great　people；　my　lady；'　said　I。

'I　am　unfortunate　in　using　a　word　which　may　convey　a　meaning……and
evidently　does……quite　opposite　to　my　intention。'　（She　had　not　expected
my　reply；　and　it　shamed　her。）　'I　only　mean；　not　happy　with　us。　It　is
a　difficult　topic　to　enter　on；　but；　from　one　young　woman　to　another；
perhaps……in　short；　we　have　been　apprehensive　that　you　may　allow　some
family　circumstances　of　which　no　one　can　be　more　innocent　than　yourself；
to　prey　upon　your　spirits。　If　so；　let　us　entreat　you　not　to　make　them
a　cause　of　grief。　My　husband　himself；　as　is　well　known；　formerly　had　a
very　dear　sister　who　was　not　in　law　his　sister；　but　who　was　universally
beloved　and　respected。

I　saw　directly　that　they　had　taken　me　in　for　the　sake　of　the　dead　woman；
whoever　she　was；　and　to　have　that　boast　of　me　and　advantage　of　me；　I
saw；　in　the　nurse's　knowledge　of　it；　an　encouragement　to　goad　me　as
she　had　done；　and　I　saw；　in　the　children's　shrinking　away；　a　vague
impression；　that　I　was　not　like　other　people。　I　left　that　house　that
night。

After　one　or　two　short　and　very　similar　experiences；　which　are　not　to
the　present　purpose；　I　entered　another　family　where　I　had　but　one　pupil：
a　girl　of　fifteen；　who　was　the　only　daughter。　The　parents　here　were
elderly　people：　people　of　station；　and　rich。　A　nephew　whom　they　had
brought　up　was　a　frequent　visitor　at　the　house；　among　many　other
visitors；　and　he　began　to　pay　me　attention。

I　was　resolute　in　repulsing　him；　for　I　had　determined　when　I　went
there；　that　no　one　should　pity　me　or　condescend　to　me。　But　he　wrote　me　a
letter。　It　led　to　our　being　engaged　to　be　married。

He　was　a　year　younger　than　I；　and　young…looking　even　when　that　allowance
was　made。　He　was　on　absence　from　India；　where　he　had　a　post　that　was
soon　to　grow　into　a　very　good　one。　In　six　months　we　were　to　be　married；
and　were　to　go　to　India。　I　was　to　stay　in　the　house；　and　was　to　be
married　from　the　house。　Nobody　objected　to　any　part　of　the　plan。

I　cannot　avoid　saying　he　admired　me；　but；　if　I　could；　I　would。　Vanity
has　nothing　to　do　with　the　declaration；　for　his　admiration　worried　me。
He　took　no　pains　to　hide　it；　and　caused　me　to　feel　among　the　rich　people
as　if　he　had　bought　me　for　my　looks；　and　made　a　show　of　his　purchase　to
justify　himself。　They　appraised　me　in　their　own　minds；　I　saw；　and　were
curious　to　ascertain　what　my　full　value　was。　I　resolved　that　they
should　not　know。　I　was　immovable　and　silent　before　them；　and　would　have
suffered　any　one　of　them　to　kill　me　sooner　than　I　would　have　laid　myself
out　to　bespeak　their　approval。

He　told　me　I　did　not　do　myself　justice。　I　told　him　I　did；　and　it　was
because　I　did　and　meant　to　do　so　to　the　last；　that　I　would　not　stoop　to
propitiate　any　of　them。　He　was　concerned　and　even　shocked；　when　I　added
that　I　wished　he　would　not　parade　his　attachment　before　them；　but　he
said　he　would　sacrifice　even　the　honest　impulses　of　his　affection　to　my
peace。

Under　that　pretence　he　began　to　retort　upon　me。　By　the　hour　together；　he
would　keep　at　a　distance　from　me；　talking　to　any　one　rather　than　to　me。
I　have　sat　alone　and　unnoticed；　half　an　evening；　while　he　conversed　with
his　young　cousin；　my　pupil。　I　have　seen　all　the　while；　in　people's　eyes；
that　they　thought　the　two　looked　nearer　on　an　equality　than　he　and　I。
I　have　sat；　divining　their　thoughts；　until　I　have　felt　that　his　young
appearance　made　me　ridiculous；　and　have　raged　against　myself　for　ever
loving　him。

For　I　did　love　him　once。　Undeserving　as　he　was；　and　little　as　he　thought
of　all　these　agonies　that　it　cost　me……agonies　which　should　have　made　him
wholly　and　gratefully　mine　to　his　life's　end……I　loved　him。　I　bore　with
his　cousin's　praising　him　to　my　face；　and　with　her　pretending　to　think
that　it　pleased　me；　but　full　well　knowing　that　it　rankled　in　my　breast；
for　his　sake。　While　I　have　sat　in　his　presence　recalling　all　my　slights
and　wrongs；　and　deliberating　whether　I　should　not　fly　from　the　house　at
once　and　never　see　him　again……I　have　loved　him。

His　aunt　（my　Mistress　you　will　please　to　remember）　deliberately；
wilfully；　added　to　my　trials　and　vexations。　It　was　her　delight　to
expatiate　on　the　style　in　which　we　were　to　live　in　India；　and　on　the
establishment　we　should　keep；　and　the　pany　we　should　entertain　when
he　got　his　advancement。　My　pride　rose　against　this　barefaced　way　of
pointing　out　the　contrast　my　married　life　was　to　present　to　my　then
dependent　and　inferior　position。　I　suppressed　my　indignation；　but　I
showed　her　that　her　intention　was　not　lost　upon　me；　and　I　repaid　her
annoyance　by　affecting　humility。　What　she　described　would　surely　be
a　great　deal　too　much　honour　for　me；　I　would　tell　her。　I　was　afraid
I　might　not　be　able　to　support　so　great　a　change。　Think　of　a　mere
governess；　her　daughter's　governess；　ing　to　that　high　distinction！　It
made　her　uneasy；　and　made　them　all　uneasy；　when　I　answered　in　this　way。
They　knew　that　I　fully　understood　her。

It　was　at　the　time　when　my　troubles　were　at　their　highest；　and　when
I　was　most　incensed　against　my　lover　for　his　ingratitude　in　caring　as
little　as　he　did　for　the　innumerable　distresses　and　mortifications　I
underwent　on　his　account；　that　your　dear　friend；　Mr　Gowan；　appeared
at　the　house。　He　had　been　intimate　there　for　a　long　time；　but　had　been
abroad。　He　understood　the　state　of　things　at　a　glance；　and　he　understood
me。

He　was　the　first　person　I　had　ever　seen　in　my　life　who　had　understood
me。　He　was　not　in　the　house　three　times　before　I　knew　that　he
acpanied　every　movement　of　my　mind。　In　his　coldly　easy　way　with　all
of　them；　and　with　me；　and　with　the　whole　subject；　I　saw　it　clearly。
In　his　light　protestations　of　admiration　of　my　future　husband；　in　his
enthusiasm　regarding　our　engagement　and　our　prospects；　in　his　hopeful
congratulations　on　our　future　wealth　and　his　despondent　references　to
his　own　poverty……all　equally　hollow；　and　jesting；　and　full　of　mockery……I
saw　it　clearly。　He　made　me　feel　more　and　more　resentful；　and　more　and
more　contemptible；　by　always　presenting　to　me　everything　that　surrounded
me　with　some　new　hateful　light　upon　it；　while　he　pretended　to　exhibit
it　in　its　best　aspect　for　my　admiration　and　his　own。　He　was　like　the
dressed…up　Death　in　the　Dutch　series；　whatever　figure　he　took　upon　his
arm；　whether　it　was　youth　or　age；　beauty　or　ugliness；　whether　he　danced
with　it；　sang　with　it；　played　with　it；　or　prayed　with　it；　he　made　it
ghastly。

You　will　understand；　then；　that　when　your　dear　friend　plimented　me；
he　really　condoled　with　me；　that　when　he　soothed　me　under　my　vexations；
he　laid　bare　every　smarting　wound　I　had；　that　when　he　declared　my
'faithful　swain'　to　be　'the　most　loving　young　fellow　in　the　world；　with
the　tenderest　heart　that　ever　beat；'　he　touched　my　old　misgiving　that
I　was　made　ridiculous。　These　were　not　great　services；　you　may　say。　They
were　acceptable　to　me；　because　they　echoed　my　own　mind；　and　confirmed
my　own　knowledge。　I　soon　began　to　like　the　society　of　your　dear　friend
better　than　any　other。

When　I　perceived　（which　I　did；　almost　as　soon）　that　jealousy　was　growing
out　of　this；　I　liked　this　society　still　better。　Had　I　not　been　subject
to　jealousy；　and　were　the　endurances　to　be　all　mine？　No。　Let　him　know
what　it　was！　I　was　delighted　that　he　should　know　it；　I　was　delighted
that　he　should　feel　keenly；　and　I　hoped　he　did。

More　than　that。　He　was　tame　in　parison　with　Mr　Gowan；　who　knew　how
to　address　me　on　equal　terms；　and　how　to　anatomise　the　wretched　people
around　us。

This　went　on；　until　the　aunt；　my　Mistress；　took　it　upon　herself　to　speak
to　me。　It　was　scarcely　worth　alluding　to；　she　knew　I　meant　nothing；　but
she　suggested　from　herself；　knowing　it　was　only　necessary　to　suggest；
that　it　might　be　be