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Barnacle　himself；　in　the　odour　of　Circumlocution……with　the　very　smell　of
Despatch…Boxes　upon　him。　Yes；　there　was　Lord　Decimus　Tite　Barnacle；　who
had　risen　to　official　heights　on　the　wings　of　one　indignant　idea；　and
that　was；　My　Lords；　that　I　am　yet　to　be　told　that　it　behoves　a　Minister
of　this　free　country　to　set　bounds　to　the　philanthropy；　to　cramp　the
charity；　to　fetter　the　public　spirit；　to　contract　the　enterprise；　to
damp　the　independent　self…reliance；　of　its　people。　That　was；　in　other
words；　that　this　great　statesman　was　always　yet　to　be　told　that　it
behoved　the　Pilot　of　the　ship　to　do　anything　but　prosper　in　the　private
loaf　and　fish　trade　ashore；　the　crew　being　able；　by　dint　of　hard
pumping；　to　keep　the　ship　above　water　without　him。　On　this　sublime
discovery　in　the　great　art　How　not　to　do　it；　Lord　Decimus　had　long
sustained　the　highest　glory　of　the　Barnacle　family；　and　let　any
ill…advised　member　of　either　House　but　try　How　to　do　it　by　bringing　in
a　Bill　to　do　it；　that　Bill　was　as　good　as　dead　and　buried　when　Lord
Decimus　Tite　Barnacle　rose　up　in　his　place　and　solemnly　said；　soaring
into　indignant　majesty　as　the　Circumlocution　cheering　soared　around
him；　that　he　was　yet　to　be　told；　My　Lords；　that　it　behoved　him　as　the
Minister　of　this　free　country；　to　set　bounds　to　the　philanthropy；
to　cramp　the　charity；　to　fetter　the　public　spirit；　to　contract　the
enterprise；　to　damp　the　independent　self…reliance；　of　its　people。　The
discovery　of　this　Behoving　Machine　was　the　discovery　of　the　political
perpetual　motion。　It　never　wore　out；　though　it　was　always　going　round
and　round　in　all　the　State　Departments。

And　there；　with　his　noble　friend　and　relative　Lord　Decimus；　was
William　Barnacle；　who　had　made　the　ever…famous　coalition　with　Tudor
Stiltstalking；　and　who　always　kept　ready　his　own　particular　recipe　for
How　not　to　do　it；　sometimes　tapping　the　Speaker；　and　drawing　it　fresh
out　of　him；　with　a　'First；　I　will　beg　you；　sir；　to　inform　the　House　what
Precedent　we　have　for　the　course　into　which　the　honourable　gentleman
would　precipitate　us；'　sometimes　asking　the　honourable　gentleman　to
favour　him　with　his　own　version　of　the　Precedent；　sometimes　telling
the　honourable　gentleman　that　he　（William　Barnacle）　would　search　for　a
Precedent；　and　oftentimes　crushing　the　honourable　gentleman　flat　on
the　spot　by　telling　him　there　was　no　Precedent。　But　Precedent　and
Precipitate　were；　under　all　circumstances；　the　well…matched　pair　of
battle…horses　of　this　able　Circumlocutionist。　No　matter　that　the　unhappy
honourable　gentleman　had　been　trying　in　vain；　for　twenty…five　years；　to
precipitate　William　Barnacle　into　this……William　Barnacle　still　put　it　to
the　House；　and　（at　second…hand　or　so）　to　the　country；　whether　he　was　to
be　precipitated　into　this。　No　matter　that　it　was　utterly　irreconcilable
with　the　nature　of　things　and　course　of　events　that　the　wretched
honourable　gentleman　could　possibly　produce　a　Precedent　for
this……William　Barnacle　would　nevertheless　thank　the　honourable　gentleman
for　that　ironical　cheer；　and　would　close　with　him　upon　that　issue；　and
would　tell　him　to　his　teeth　that　there　Was　NO　Precedent　for　this。　It
might　perhaps　have　been　objected　that　the　William　Barnacle　wisdom　was
not　high　wisdom　or　the　earth　it　bamboozled　would　never　have　been　made；
or；　if　made　in　a　rash　mistake；　would　have　remained　blank　mud。　But
Precedent　and　Precipitate　together　frightened　all　objection　out　of　most
people。

And　there；　too；　was　another　Barnacle；　a　lively　one；　who　had　leaped
through　twenty　places　in　quick　succession；　and　was　always　in　two　or
three　at　once；　and　who　was　the　much…respected　inventor　of　an　art
which　he　practised　with　great　success　and　admiration　in　all　Barnacle
Governments。　This　was；　when　he　was　asked　a　Parliamentary　question　on
any　one　topic；　to　return　an　answer　on　any　other。　It　had　done　immense
service；　and　brought　him　into　high　esteem　with　the　Circumlocution
Office。

And　there；　too；　was　a　sprinkling　of　less　distinguished　Parliamentary
Barnacles；　who　had　not　as　yet　got　anything　snug；　and　were　going　through
their　probation　to　prove　their　worthiness。　These　Barnacles　perched　upon
staircases　and　hid　in　passages；　waiting　their　orders　to　make　houses
or　not　to　make　houses；　and　they　did　all　their　hearing；　and　ohing；　and
cheering；　and　barking；　under　directions　from　the　heads　of　the　family；
and　they　put　dummy　motions　on　the　paper　in　the　way　of　other　men's
motions；　and　they　stalled　disagreeable　subjects　off　until　late　in　the
night　and　late　in　the　session；　and　then　with　virtuous　patriotism　cried
out　that　it　was　too　late；　and　they　went　down　into　the　country；　whenever
they　were　sent；　and　swore　that　Lord　Decimus　had　revived　trade　from　a
swoon；　and　merce　from　a　fit；　and　had　doubled　the　harvest　of　corn；
quadrupled　the　harvest　of　hay；　and　prevented　no　end　of　gold　from　flying
out　of　the　Bank。　Also　these　Barnacles　were　dealt；　by　the　heads　of　the
family；　like　so　many　cards　below　the　court…cards；　to　public　meetings　and
dinners；　where　they　bore　testimony　to　all　sorts　of　services　on　the　part
of　their　noble　and　honourable　relatives；　and　buttered　the　Barnacles　on
all　sorts　of　toasts。　And　they　stood；　under　similar　orders；　at　all　sorts
of　elections；　and　they　turned　out　of　their　own　seats；　on　the　shortest
notice　and　the　most　unreasonable　terms；　to　let　in　other　men；　and　they
fetched　and　carried；　and　toadied　and　jobbed；　and　corrupted；　and　ate
heaps　of　dirt；　and　were　indefatigable　in　the　public　service。　And　there
was　not　a　list；　in　all　the　Circumlocution　Office；　of　places　that　might
fall　vacant　anywhere　within　half　a　century；　from　a　lord　of　the　Treasury
to　a　Chinese　consul；　and　up　again　to　a　governor…general　of　India；　but　as
applicants　for　such　places；　the　names　of　some　or　of　every　one　of　these
hungry　and　adhesive　Barnacles　were　down。

It　was　necessarily　but　a　sprinkling　of　any　class　of　Barnacles　that
attended　the　marriage；　for　there　were　not　two　score　in　all；　and　what
is　that　subtracted　from　Legion！　But　the　sprinkling　was　a　swarm　in　the
Twickenham　cottage；　and　filled　it。　A　Barnacle　（assisted　by　a　Barnacle）
married　the　happy　pair；　and　it　behoved　Lord　Decimus　Tite　Barnacle
himself　to　conduct　Mrs　Meagles　to　breakfast。

The　entertainment　was　not　as　agreeable　and　natural　as　it　might　have
been。　Mr　Meagles；　hove　down　by　his　good　pany　while　he　highly
appreciated　it；　was　not　himself。　Mrs　Gowan　was　herself；　and　that　did　not
improve　him。　The　fiction　that　it　was　not　Mr　Meagles　who　had　stood　in　the
way；　but　that　it　was　the　Family　greatness；　and　that　the　Family　greatness
had　made　a　concession；　and　there　was　now　a　soothing　unanimity；　pervaded
the　affair；　though　it　was　never　openly　expressed。　Then　the　Barnacles
felt　that　they　for　their　parts　would　have　done　with　the　Meagleses　when
the　present　patronising　occasion　was　over；　and　the　Meagleses　felt　the
same　for　their　parts。　Then　Gowan　asserting　his　rights　as　a　disappointed
man　who　had　his　grudge　against　the　family；　and　who；　perhaps；　had　allowed
his　mother　to　have　them　there；　as　much　in　the　hope　it　might　give　them
some　annoyance　as　with　any　other　benevolent　object；　aired　his　pencil　and
his　poverty　ostentatiously　before　them；　and　told　them　he　hoped　in　time
to　settle　a　crust　of　bread　and　cheese　on　his　wife；　and　that　he　begged
such　of　them　as　（more　fortunate　than　himself）　came　in　for　any　good
thing；　and　could　buy　a　picture；　to　please　to　remember　the　poor　painter。
Then　Lord　Decimus；　who　was　a　wonder　on　his　own　Parliamentary　pedestal；
turned　out　to　be　the　windiest　creature　here：　proposing　happiness　to　the
bride　and　bridegroom　in　a　series　of　platitudes　that　would　have　made　the
hair　of　any　sincere　disciple　and　believer　stand　on　end；　and　trotting；
with　the　placency　of　an　idiotic　elephant；　among　howling　labyrinths　of
sentences　which　he　seemed　to　take　for　high　roads；　and　never　so　much
as　wanted　to　get　out　of。　Then　Mr　Tite　Barnacle　could　not　but　feel　that
there　was　a　person　in　pany；　who　would　have　disturbed　his　life…long
sitting　to　Sir　Thomas　Lawrence　in　full　official　character；　if　such
disturbance　had　been　possible：　while　Barnacle　junior　did；　with
indignation；　municate　to　two　vapid　gentlemen；　his　relatives；　that
there　was　a　feller　here；　loo